I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
