the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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