Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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