is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
