a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
