Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
you never un-have a 4some
Randomize
