You really coming over, don't trick.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
