thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
