she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
