i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
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