I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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