Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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