Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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