it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
