fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
