Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
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