We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Houston, we have a blender
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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