I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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