tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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