so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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