This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
