ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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