She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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