I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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