just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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