so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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