My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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