Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
