I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
