I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
