but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
