It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
