im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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