Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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