I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize