Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
