So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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