I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
