i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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