You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
