I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
