So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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