In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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