There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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