i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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