He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
