Michael Bay diarrhea
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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