well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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