You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
