my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
