Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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