So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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