He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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