im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
