I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Success! We fucked roommates!
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
