actually, I'm a sock model
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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