Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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