If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he was CRYING into my vagina
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
