you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I am naked and annoyed.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
