Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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