Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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