I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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