i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
