Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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