I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
