My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
